1樓：張鑫
你中午吃啥呢？
中午吃啥呢？沙縣小吃？大廚乙隻手抓面抓錢包蒸餃而且夥計都穿著拖鞋；蘭州拉麵？
餐盤從沒乾淨過後廚更嚇人；路邊快餐？地溝油大肥肉嚥不下的公尺飯；速食麵？塑化劑防腐劑一包吃不飽，吃兩包難受；滷肉飯？
天熱了，熟食更沒有保障不拉肚子了；算了，先去買個骰子吧。
誰更慘一天，電視與遙控板聊天
電視：哎，人類每天都盯著別人看，都不好意思了！
遙控板：是啊，人類老是每天按我，討厭得很。
電視：我們都沒有飲水機慘。
遙控板：？
電視：因為飲水機每天腦子都要進好多水！
遙控板：……
說話算數的丈夫
有一對夫妻吵架，越吵越兇，妻子對丈夫要動武了，丈夫急得連忙往床底下鑽。
妻子一時夠不著丈夫，便氣勢洶洶地吼道：你給我出來！
這時，鑽在床底下旮旯裡的丈夫神氣活現地說：男子漢大丈夫，說話算數我說『不出來』就不出來！
這孩子不會是在醫院抱錯了吧
女兒和老公玩耍，貌似老公勝利了。我在床上躺著看，就感覺有手抓住我腳腕。然後便聽到女兒對她爸爸說：「別動，再動我捏死你老婆。」特麼的這孩子不會是在醫院抱錯了吧。
做女人的滋味
一架客機正在飛行中，忽然被一小股氣流衝擊，乘客們慌做一堆，以為世界末日即將來臨，
一位年輕漂亮的姑娘站起身來，鼓足勇氣向大家說：「各位男性乘客，你們誰能在我死之前讓我嘗試一下做女人的滋味？」
話音剛落，他後座的一位男士站起來說：「我來！ 」說罷小夥子把T-shirt脫下來，露出健壯的肌肉，年輕的姑娘害羞而讚賞的望著這位英俊的男士，想象著他的下一步行動，只見那個小夥子把T-shirt扔給姑娘，命令似的說：
「熨平了它！！ 」
醫生喝醉了
2樓：故事大王史蒂夫
What time is it when five elephants are chasing after you?
一點零五分。
3樓：
"How would you call a bee from America"
"USB"
4樓：乙隻小短腿
Funny mud pee，中式俚語，中國網友用來反擊國外政客的不實言論。建議聽下原版發音。
5樓：
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."The German doctor says:
"That's nothing,in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job.
"The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!" Share with your friends, don't laugh alone
6樓：
Oh,Tommy,please do not touch me...
Oh,Tommy,please do not touch...
Oh,Tommy,please do not...
Oh,Tommy,please do...
Oh,Tommy,please...
Oh,Tommy...
Oh...
7樓：
driving test,
examiner：turn left.
Bob: turn left?
examiner: right.
Bob got failed.
8樓：
分享乙個我上學時在ins上看到的：
New York is 3 hours ahead of California, but that doesn't make California slow.
Someone graduated at the age of 22, but waited 5 years before securing a good job.
Someone became a CEO at 25, and died at 50. While another became a CEO at 50 and lived to 90 years.
Someone is still single, while someone else got married.
Obma retired at 55 & Trump started at 70.
Everyone in this world works based on thier time zone. People around you might be ahead of you, and some might seem to be behind you. But everyone is running their own race, in their own time.
Do not envy them and do not mock them!
They are in thier time zone and you are in yours.
Life is about waiting for the right moment to act.
So RELAX.
You're not late.
You're not early.
You're very much on time.
9樓：孫慕林
Your brain has two parts：the left and the right. However，your left brain has nothing left；your right brain has nothing right.
10樓：Even
A Italian man in Malta當年的年度笑料
11樓：
乙個中國遊客去澳洲某銀行換錢，但是這次換得不如上次多Chinese tourist: why do I get less money today?
Teller: fluctuation,mateChinese tourist: fxxk you Australians as well.
teller..
....
....
....
...fluctuation讀快了的發音很像fxxk you asian
12樓：DevillaD
想起很多年前去海南玩，在海灘邊的乙個公用廁所裡看到乙個牌子上面用中文寫著「小心地滑」
下面用英文寫著
「Slip Carefully」
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
13樓：尹添博文
有兩隻蜜蜂乙隻飛的高乙隻飛的低
高蜜蜂跟低蜜蜂打招呼
hi low bee
在某個答主的回答裡看到了記不清哪個答案了說他老公是段子王
14樓：
前一段時間學校有紐西蘭交換生
很多同學會和她（他）們在英語角交流聊天
有一天，一同學看到紐西蘭小姐姐手臂上有紋身於是想要表達自己也想紋身的想法
可不會用英文說紋身怎麼辦呢
於是這同學說了這麼一句：
I want to do ci ci ci da da da我彷彿已經看到眼前有火光在閃。。。
15樓：xiaoming zhou
國外住宿，遇到房間有老鼠，只能說，
"do you know tom and Jerry?"
"yeah"
"jerry is here."
16樓：alpseagle
3 tomatos are walking on the street: papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato. baby tomato falls behind, papa tomato turns to him & says:
catch up!
quote from Pulp Fiction
17樓：路在屌下
多年前和同事出差杜拜，請客人吃飯，同事想點一條新鮮活魚，但是我們英語都不好，同事對服務員說要一條fresh fish，服務員說我們的魚都很fresh。同事想了想說: "I need a swimming fish"，服務員秒懂。
18樓：KrustySteven
Two chemists walked into a bar.
The first guy said ," H2O please."
The second guy said , "I want H2O too（H2O2）"
The second guy died.
I was about to make a chemistry joke, but Na
19樓：Rick Guo
企鵝去修車，順便去對面冰激凌店買個冰激凌吃，嘴沒擦乾淨。修理員問企鵝車啥問題，企鵝回答：I Just blow a seal.
20樓：哈維
一次親身經歷的搞笑誤會。
去年乙個印度人來我家裝寬頻，他很快就裝完了，出於禮貌，我和他互相問好，互問姓名，
接著我問：
「how old are you? 」
他回答：
「I m dirty. 」
what ? dirty ?
我重問了一遍：
「pardon？」
他搖搖頭笑了，舉出手勢說：
「I m dirty! dirty! 」
他舉起的右手上豎起三隻手指頭。
他三十歲。
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